Yesterday I dropped by Bic Camera to trade in Eiko and my 2+ year old au mobile phones for new ones. The purchase was inspired by a “campaign” mailer that offered one of several winter 2007 models for free, through a combination of limited-time-only discounts and points. Eiko chose the W53CA, because it has a nice camera and I called dibs on the green Infobar (more on that later).

The green Infobar was sold out at Bic, so I moved on to Eiko’s W53CA, flagging down a rep. Before escorting me to his 3-card Monty table, he kindly warned me of the three or four “optional” programs I would be *forced* to sign up for, regardless of which phone I chose or where I bought it.

This was the first trade in I’d done since phone numbers were decoupled from carriers, and little did I know how absurdly complex the process had become since then. In this rant, I won’t even get into the different minute and packet plans, since they’ve been around long enough to be beaten on by more knowledgable critics than me.

Full Support Course vs. Simple Course
As far as I can tell, by buying the phone at the discounted price, I automatically signed up for Full Support. They are essentially supporting you by giving you a ¥21,000 (USD200) discount on the handset’s invisible retail price, but *locking you into the carrier and the phone for 2 years*, with penalty fees if you change either. Additionally, Full Support is the gateway for the standard diner menu of minute/packet plans, whearas the Simple Course, offers just a few cheaper plans with no prepaid minutes or packets.

Full Support is clearly nothing more than a tactic to scare beloved customers into sticking with au, now that they are no longer locked in. It seems to also be a replacement to the tiered handset pricing scheme that made new phones progressively cheaper the longer you held on to your previous one.

Call Designation Discount
This “discount” option costs ¥300 a month. It allows you a 60% discount on calls made to any three phone numbers. I guess this would allow certain people who call the same numbers all the time to select a cheaper plan with less pre-paid minutes, but even then it’s hard to know if the numbers would work in your favor since au doesn’t send detailed call records with your monthly bill.

I was forced to sign up for this option, but canceled it the next day. At worst, I’ll be charged the first month’s ¥300, but I’m sure there are plenty of customers who forget to cancel, and will now be short pocket change for a night of Karaoke once a year.

???? (Waiting song)
Ever call a friend on Docomo and hear some lame melody trying to make love to the dial tone? That’s Machi-uta, and it’s come to au at ¥300 per month.

I was forced to sign up for this twisted spawn of a focus group gone wrong wrong wrong. I canceled the next day.

Safe mobile support
This is essentially Apple Care for au, at, you guessed it, ¥300 per month. Five year repair warranty, discounted repairs on stuff not covered by warranty, discounted replacement costs, two free batteries over four years, and extra points. It’s actually not a bad deal for anyone who use a single handset for 3+ years, but for the rest of us, it’s just another sleazy fee.

I was forced to sign up for this too. I canceled the next day.

Everybody Discount
No it’s not the next Japanese dance craze. A few years ago, there was a “Wari” (discount) war between carriers, starting with a couples discount, followed by a family discount, then a students discount, second handset discount, a discount for the elderly, the left handed, and finally, gas station attendants with leap year birthdays. Au then decided that it’d be easier if they just gave a discount to *everybody*, but generously decided to keep all the other discounts, probably to take the sting off the second mortgage you take out to pay off all those ¥300 yen fees.

Believe it or not, Everybody Discount doesn’t cost anything, but is only available if you lock yourself in for two years. Wait, didn’t they cover that with Full Support?

In Conclusion
For all the convenience the mobile phone industry provides me, it has few competitors for my disgust. I’d like to believe that their convoluted games were forced by some genuinely unavoidable industry-specific economic factors that I’m unaware of, but deep down I suspect that they’d rather nickel and dime profits out of their customers with useless add-ons and devious pricing schemes than earn it through good ideas.

Postscript on the green infobar
Undeterred, I hit Ito Yokado yesterday, where I’d seen the model in stock the previous week. It was still available, but alas, only available to new customers. Apparently, after 6 years and $6000 of loyalty to au, I’m only worthy of grey or red & white check.

Update: This post used to include the Japanese terms for these crazy plans, but Wordpress chewed them up when I upgraded to v 2.7. Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) I don’t remember what they were called